Park: So recently– and funnily enough this had never come up before– you explained to me that the first adult books you read were mystery stories, and then I suppose entire mystery novels, yes? So is that how you got into Dorothy L. Sayers?
Barb: As a child, I hated most children’s books. Only Dorp Dead, The Pushcart War, and The Egypt Game appealed to me. I hated kids’ mysteries where kids foiled jewel robberies, bank heists, found stolen loot, and so on. See, I knew that kids would never do such things, so I couldn’t suspend my disbelief…
At my local library, they had anthologies of the best suspense stories (meant for adults, that is) of any given year.
What I wanted were horror stories, but I couldn’t find any. I really wanted ghost stories, you see. If I’d been a British child, I would have found books like Marianne Dreams and The Moon Dial, but I was an American kid in the Midwest with a crappy school library and a crappy local library, so I had to content myself with folk tales, fairy tales, and the rare ghost story anthology I could get my hands on.
Anyway, onto mysteries. I’d seen old Sherlock Holmes movies with Basil Rathbone, so I was interested in mysteries. The first mystery novel I read was Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None. God, I was obsessed with that novel. She killed off so many people in that book. I assumed Christie was bloodthirsty. I was so disappointed that most of her mysteries were just poisoners and mirrors. But, yeah, she started it all, really.
Park: My next question was going to be to ask about Agatha Christie!
Barb: Dorothy L. Sayers, I found just before I met you. I wanted a Lord Peter for my Harriet Vane, and then, you came along!
As a kid, I hated Miss Marple and Hercule Poirot. They did not appeal to me at all. I didn’t start liking them until I saw Poirot with David Suchet with you. Then, I thought, “Actually, he’s a well-written character”. And then we needed to have shows we could watch with your mother over Xmas, so I got into Miss Marple with y’all.
What shocks me about both characters is that they believe in swift, painful justice without much in the way of mercy. I remember Miss Marple saying all murderers MUST be hanged. Having read Georges Simenon just before that, I thought, “Shouldn’t we figure out why the murderer murdered before getting out the rope?”
Let’s take a hypothetical situation. A man’s daughter commits suicide because a man conned her out of all of her money. The man, in a moment of anger, kills Mr. Con Man. In Agatha Christie’s world, it’s hanging time. In Simenon’s world, the person might be treated with more empathy. Oh, I believe the guy deserves jail time, obviously, but didn’t the father do the world a favor? Think of how many women’s virginity and savings accounts might have been saved!
Park: Miss “Let God Sort ‘Em Out” Marple is a bloodthirsty little old lady.
Barb: God, she is!
She and Poirot aren’t like Columbo, who has the attitude of, “I just arrest ’em. It’s up to the courts to figure out what to do with them.” I like that attitude. Once he arrests a person, his job is done.
Park: If we could only see her 50 or 60 years earlier, Miss Marple might have been the Agent Carter of the Victorian age, dispensing merciless justice with knitting-needles and hatpins.
Barb: ROTFLMAO
The pilot episode of Columbo made him a lot like Marple and Poirot, but by the time the series happened, Columbo had an attitude of, “It’s nothing personal. I do justice by doing my job. Get yourself a good lawyer and good luck to you.”
I’ve always liked the idea of poor Columbo being up at 3 AM, talking to his wife, saying, “See, there’s this one little thing that makes no sense to me. Why did….”, and his wife saying, “I’ll make us some coffee and we’ll talk.”
Park: Mrs. Columbo seems– to hear Columbo tell it– to be a cultural maven who is a fan of everyone’s music, everyone’s books, everyone’s films and TV roles, and to be almost as canny as her husband when it comes to human nature.
Barb: Yes!
If I drag Simenon’s Chief Inspector Maigret into this, we’ll be here all day, so he’s an obsession for another time.
I like to think of Columbo on his days off, walking his dog, taking his POS car to the mechanics, maybe bowling, having a big family dinner with his wife’s relatives, maybe playing poker….
Taking Mrs. Columbo to the movies…
Maybe going to a nice Italian place on their anniversary, with him wearing his best suit WITHOUT the trench coat. I think the trench coat is part of his work uniform, frankly.
Park: Yes, I absolutely agree. I think they have lots of date nights when he’s between cases, because he’s SO often out on the streets when he’s on a case.
Barb: I could see Columbo on a bowling team. I could see him at a family BBQ, just enjoying a beer and dip.
Park: Yeah, actually.
Barb: I have this theory that Columbo never got up in the ranks of the police because he arrested too many people in power.
Barb: And these people in power have powerful friends, so…Columbo stays a lieutenant.
Park: But also… he’s too valuable to stick behind a desk permanently.
Barb: Yeah. Because if the rich and powerful got away with murder, the press would have a field day.
Park: What, we’re going to ask Captain Columbo to go solve this redball (HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET reference) that the Mayor is losing his mind about? No! Keep ‘im a Lieutenant!
Barb: Exactly.
Park: What do you think Columbo prefers on TV? Football? Boxing? Baseball? Basketball?
Barb: Football and boxing. With a little metal TV tray of the era with garlic dip and a beer or even a nice glass of wine.
Park: But heck, I can even see him chilling with some golf and bowling. (Come to think of it, when I was a kid bowling was on TV a Lot.)
Park: “Nachos, ah, sir, you’re a true gourmand after my own heart. Mrs. Columbo bakes ’em in the oven. But she doesn’t do the jalapenos like some people, doctor’s orders. So if you really don’t mind, I think I will have just a couple here… So anyway one thing I forgot to ask you about the last time I saw you was, how long did you say it took you t’ change your flat tire, again, on the day of the murder, sir?”
Barb: Perfect!!!
Park: 🙂
Barb: And that’s a good place to stop. Columbo and nachos.