Park’s Dream Journal: 6/24/2023
I had a dream last night…
The intersection of two great entertainment franchises: AVENGERS and THE WEST WING.
COLD OPEN: President Bartlett is getting ready to have a big conference– in a building in downtown New York– great minds– scientists, doctors, philosophers, even a thinly-veiled version of whoever former president Jimmy Carter is in the West Wing universe.
The secret service and S.H.I.E.L.D. are begging President Bartlett to get superheroes for security, he says no. They beg and plead with him to compromise– maybe JUST Iron Man? He says no. “If we get Iron Man, all Iron Man’s enemies will decide it’s the perfect time to attack. No, I’ve got a different compromise.”
Bartlett is friends with the Hulk.
Dr. Banner wanted to vote for Bartlett (but he couldn’t risk showing his driver’s license to anyone at a voting station). He loves President Bartlett.
You’d think that the Hulk would hate anyone Banner loves so much, but no– Hulk, that clever beast, understands that Bartlett, as president, is the commander-in-chief of America’s armed forces, so if he’s friends with the president, the army has to stop chasing him.
“It’s brilliant, really,” White House Communications Director Toby Zeigler explains to the rest of the White House staff. “All this time, we’ve all thought of each of them as being focused on only wanting one thing– Dr. Banner wants to not lose control and become the Hulk, the Hulk wants to be left alone. But each of them has one extra desire in common that no one ever really realized, one piece of emotional common ground– both the childlike Hulk and the daddy-issue Dr. Banner have both been dying for a positive father figure. And good ol’ folksy Unc’a Jed Bartlett from New England just happens to push all the right buttons.”
We get a flashback of Jed Bartlett talking to the Hulk– Bartlett understands from the Hulk’s vocabulary that he’s emotionally about three or four. As such, he does his best acting job of showing no fear. “Well, now, what’m’I gonna call you, mm? Doesn’t seem right to call you Dr. Banner, a big strong guy like you, huh?”
“NO!” Hulk agrees. “BANNER IS PUNY!”
“Well, I have to call you both something… Shall I call you MISTER Hulk?”
Hulk thinks this is hilarious, especially Bartlett’s chuckling, tease-y delivery of the question. “HURR HURR HURR. NO! MISTER BANNER! THAT WILL IRRITATE PUNY BANNER! BANNER IS DOCTOR! CALL US MISTER BANNER!”
“All right, then, I’ll call you Mr. Banner, and you can call me Mr. Bartlett, or just Jed.”
“HURR HURR JED. JED IS FRIEND.”
“Sure, you bet, Mr, Banner.”
“HURR HURR.”
“Say, you know what I’d like right now? I’d like some ice cream. Do you like ice cream?”
“HULK LIKE ICE CREAM.”
And so, when the conference starts, Hulk is standing contentedly next to President Bartlett, just sort of letting the talk flow around him, making eye contact with Bartlett now and then and getting a reassuring smile and smiling back. By now, it’s not an act anymore– Bartlett really isn’t afraid of the Hulk. He knows he has the POTENTIAL to be VERY dangerous, but a doberman can be dangerous too, BUT a doberman isn’t very likely to hurt you if it feels like you’re already its friend.
(Somewhere inside Hulk’s mind, Dr. Banner is actually very much at home at a gathering of intellectuals, and he’s mentally taking vague notes and listening as various scientific, economic, and political theories are being tossed around and debated.)
“Bartlett’s a genius,” says Toby. “He didn’t want Iron Man because it’s a sure bet that if he did, one or more of Iron Man’s villains would attack, but the Hulk’s biggest enemy has always been the United States government! And now the army’s called off of chasing him, and he’ll be standing next to his good buddy the President! What better bodyguard could the President have?”
(Note: in this shared-franchise universe, Toby’s apparently not aware of classic Hulk villains like The Leader nor The Abomination and so on. Whether lack of awareness of them is common in this universe or whether Toby’s just been skimming his security briefings is unknown.)
Funnily enough, it’s Bartlett who spots the first supervillain.
In this universe, it turns out that the Red Skull does NOT literally have a skull-like face– that’s just a mask he wears (stretchable latex, or something like it) when it’s time for him to get down to villain business. But his real face IS actually bright red, due to previous accidental exposure to an experimental nerve gas he was working with.
Bartlett spots a man about 15 feet from him, and recognizes him from his S.H.I.E.L.D. files– Bartlett gives his security briefings his undivided attention. Bartlett does a little double-take, and sees that the man won’t (unlike the Hulk) make eye contact with him. As Bartlett studies the man, taking just a couple of casual steps closer, he realizes that sure enough, the man is wearing very heavy pancake makeup, but that a little bit of red tint is still nonetheless peeking through from underneath if you know what you’re looking for.
“Ah, Mr. Banner? Mr. Banner?” Bartlett says loudly.
“JED?”
“Mr. Banner, I need you to escort that gentleman right over there outside, where the Secret Service and S.H.I.E.L.D. are going to want to talk to him.”
“OKAY JED.”
Every Secret Service and S.H.I.E.L.D. agent in the room looks at the guy Bartlett is pointing at, swears under their breath, and half of them move in.
The Hulk, the Skull, and four agents get on the nearest elevator, and head downstairs, and they step outside and the Skull is searched, hurried into a S.H.I.E.L.D. vehicle, the Hulk goes back up and returns to Bartlett’s side, and the crisis is over, whew.
But then, on an end table next to a tray of empty champagne glasses that the waitstaff haven’t picked up yet, White House Deputy Chief of Staff Josh Lyman spots a discarded Green Goblin mask. “Oh for the love of Pete,“ he whisper-swears to himself, and he starts alerting agents of the Secret Service and S.H.I.E.L.D. (as if they weren’t already feeling pretty darn alert already).
Josh starts walking through the rooms and halls of the conference, talking very quickly but very quietly with Maria Hill, deputy director of S.H.I.E.L.D., as they each scan the faces of people around them…
“Why oh why did we have to have this in Manhattan of all places?” Josh mutters to Hill at one point. “Why couldn’t the president have listened to us and had it in Washington?”
“Keep talking,” Hill says, her voice suddenly tense. “Keep heading for that elevator. There’s C. J. Cregg coming toward us, act like you don’t know anything’s wrong.”
“That’s not too hard, I have no idea what you’re freakin’ out about,” Josh mutters to her. “Hey C.J., get in the elevator before Hill here has a heart attack, okay? Smile.”
“Okay…?” C. J. Cregg nervously smiles, walking into the elevator with them.
“What was that?” Josh asks when the doors of the elevator ding shut.
Hill: “You didn’t see that rather well-fed-looking scientist talking to those other two scientists at that table we passed?”
Josh: “Guy with the glasses? I guess I did, why? He wasn’t really a real scientist?”
Hill: “Oh, he was, that’s about the best thing you can say about him– that was Dr. Otto Octavius.”
Josh: “Oh for– how many of these guys are in the building?!”
Hill: “At least one too many.”
Josh: “Bad enough that the president spotted the first one, we’re gonna be hearing about that for weeks–”
Hill: “Months–”
C.J.: “–Years, presuming we all live through today–”
Josh: “Okay so d’you figure Dr. Octopus was– I hate to say it–”
C.J.: “–Say it.”
Josh: “Y’know— Armed?!”
Hill and C.J. both nod at him–
C.J.: “The way his blazer was fittin’ him? You bet he’s armed, Sparky, that was a four-alarm tentacle fire under there just waiting t’happen– We’ve got to get to the President– and Leo.”
Hill: “Leo McGarry? The Chief of Staff? Why him?”
C.J.: “Because I have now officially won a bet that this day would be a full-blown multi-supervillain disaster and Mama needs a new pair of shoes–”
The elevator doors ding and open and the three of them rush out, and we fade to triumphant music as the soundtrack starts up with a score that somehow evokes both the strings-and-horns of both the West Wing theme and the first minute or so of the Avengers theme as opening credits roll…